Poetry

This year my daily Lenten discipline was writing a poem. Some days they came easily. Other times, I struggled. I tried to be open to the Spirit, rather than forcing a topic.

In college, I minored in English, and most of my classes were in creative writing. I wrote a lot of poetry and short stories. Since then, I have neglected writing both. I am still editing, but I thought I would share a few of them with you.

I hope you had a Happy Easter! And I hope the joy of Easter remains in your hearts.

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Blizzard

Gray                                    to the right

Snow swirls                        spins around

Dances                                piles on piles

To the left                          drifts on drifts

To the right                        then

Spins around                     it stops.

Lands                                   Clouds roll on.

Wind gusts                         Sun shines

Snow blows                       Snow glitters

Dances

To the left

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You like my false self     

The mask of sanity,

perfection, professionalism;

the idealized self

I want to be but am not.

I am a blob of anxiety,

Self- doubt and self-hatred,

Pile of broken shards,

Bits of me fragmented

by pain of pretending.

When I show you me –

the real mess –

You recoil;

refuse to believe,

accept.

You insist on

speaking to the false self,

as if

the curtain hadn’t

opened.

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The Inner Critic                    

She is  cruel, vigilant,

careful, ready,

fearful, frightened,

Protective, controlling.                                              

She will hurt me                                             

before you ever could.                                 

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What are you afraid of?

What is deep down within

That you don’t want to face?

What is right in front of you

That you ignore?

What are you afraid of?

What truth longs to be set free?

What chain needs unlocked?

What are you afraid of?

The you inside that is

Choking, desperate for air

Can you let that you

Come to the surface and breathe?

What are you afraid of?

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My relationship

With church

Is

Complicated.

Worship fills my soul;

People hurt my spirit.

I miss it,

I don’t miss it.

It is where

I feel most

loved, judged

misunderstood

unsupported.

Luckily,

My relationship

With God

Is

separate.

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Do you want to know a secret?

I have lots of thoughts and feelings

that I don’t share.

My interior life is full, but,

I’m too busy taking care of you.

Few notice that I have lots to say

that I keep inside.

Listening is my greatest skill

but sometimes I forget to speak.

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Anxiety is energy

Restless, spinning

I feel like I could

Run a marathon

If I weren’t stuck.

Depression is exhaustion

body feels heavy

even lifting a finger

requires too much energy

so I don’t. 

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Sometimes I forget

To breathe.

I don’t notice that I’m

Holding my breath

Depriving my body

Of fresh air

That’s necessary, not optional.

Other times  I take

Long, deep breaths

Diaphragmatic

And calm myself

Shallow, deep

Air is required.

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Jesus says

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.”

But my heart is troubled.

Was there another meaning

In Aramaic

That we lost?

Because it seems like often

Jesus wants to trouble our hearts.

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I am learning

Who I am

What I like

What I can’t stand.

I am learning

To say no

Check in with my body

And pause and go slow.

I am learning

 That these shifts

Make me different

And they are gifts.

I am learning

 I don’t have to be

What you want

Instead of me.

I am learning

To be still and rest

Instead of so busy

That I can’t be my best.

I am learning

To love me too

It Is hard work

So much b.s. to undo. 

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Performing for fun

 joy-filled 

Energizing

Performing for life

Fear-filled

Controlling

Both are roles, but one you take off.

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Too much adulting

Symptoms:

Irritability

Headache

Fatigue

Anxiety

Depression 

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Life After Cancer

Every twinge, ache

pain, symptom

makes me wonder

is it back?

Same or different?

Appointments, tests,

Nothing.

Relief.

Until next time,

Rinse and repeat

Suspicions.

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I want to be profound

State a truth

In a way that you feel it.

But today I feel shallow.

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Holy Week

Palms and parades

Holy Week begins

On a high note –

Hosanna in the Highest!

Blessed is the One

Who comes in the name of the Lord!

As the week progresses,

Mood shifts

Disloyalty, disobedience, denials.

Pain, torture, humiliation

Strength, bravery, endurance.

Some skip from the palms to the lilies.

They are missing out.

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A Haiku for Holy Saturday

Holy Saturday

Take a moment to just be.

Sorrow and Stillness.