Redheadedrev

A Sermon: Getting to Know You

John 1:43-51 NRSV

⁴³The next day Jesus decided to go to Galilee. He found Philip and said to him, “Follow me.” ⁴⁴Now Philip was from Bethsaida, the city of Andrew and Peter. ⁴⁵Philip found Nathanael and said to him, “We have found him about whom Moses in the Law and also the Prophets wrote, Jesus son of Joseph from Nazareth.” ⁴⁶Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Philip said to him, “Come and see.” ⁴⁷When Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him, he said of him, “Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!” ⁴⁸Nathanael asked him, “Where did you get to know me?” Jesus answered, “I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you.” ⁴⁹Nathanael replied, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!” ⁵⁰Jesus answered, “Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these.” ⁵¹And he said to him, “Very truly, I tell you, you will see heaven opened and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.”

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18, NRSV

O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
²You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from far away.
³You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before a word is on my tongue,
    O Lord, you know it completely.
⁵You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is so high that I cannot attain it.

13 For it was you who formed my inward parts;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
    Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well.
¹⁵    My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
    all the days that were formed for me,
    when none of them as yet existed.
¹⁷How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸I try to count them—they are more than the sand;
    I come to the end—I am still with you.

Recently one of my friends was having a group of us over for dinner. Another friend offered to pick me up. As we were eating, that friend said, “I wanted to ride together to make sure you came.” We all laughed. These friends know me and know that I can be a fickle introvert, especially in winter. She asked later if it hurt my feelings. It did not! I told her it felt good to be known so well.

Who knows you? Who do you let see the real you? Who do you let see the most vulnerable parts of you? Being vulnerable is easier for some of us than others. Being vulnerable is risky, because it opens you up to being hurt. However, being known is a gift. Sometimes we put up walls and defenses so that people cannot get to know the “real” us.

In this first chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus returns to Galilee after meeting John the Baptist. He calls Simon and Andrew. Then he finds Philip, and invites him by saying, “follow me.” Philip then goes to Nathaniel, seemingly excited because he says, “we have found him about whom Moses in the laws and also the prophets wrote about.” Nathaniel is understandably incredulous. Could Philip have really found this person? Maybe he’s crossed his arms, rolled his eyes. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, because he is afraid to believe it. Can anything good come out of Nazareth?

We don’t know much about Nazareth, other than we think it is a small agricultural town. It is not known for anything, and maybe that is not where Nathaniel is expecting a Messiah to come from. It is never mentioned in the Old Testament. Rather than argue, Philips invites Nathaniel to “come and see” for himself. “Come and see” is the best evangelism tool we have. We invite people to get to know Jesus for themselves. We invite them to come to church to see what God is doing among us. We say come and see, as we invite people to serve alongside us. Then they too can know the joy of being a follower of Jesus and God’s abundant love for us.

Despite his doubt, Nathaniel goes. Perhaps his curiosity is piqued, perhaps there is a part of him that is hopeful. When Jesus sees him, he compliments him, and Nathaniel’s incredulity returns, even if he might have been flattered by the description. “Where did you get to know me?” he asks.

Jesus’ answer is that he saw him under the fig tree, and Nathaniel believes. It made me wonder what happened under the fig tree. I learned that fig trees were often used as places of prayer, especially for rabbinical students. Praying for the Messiah was a regular part of a believer’s prayer life. Does Jesus know that Nathaniel was praying for the Messiah, and that is why Nathaniel believes? Because Jesus knew about his prayer? Under a fig tree is also a Jewish idiom meaning study of the Torah.

If Nathaniel is amazed that Jesus knows him, he will continue to be amazed as he follows Jesus. Jesus basically tells Nathaniel, “you ain’t seen nothing yet. ”There is no end to what God can do, and Jesus tells him that he will see the heavens opened up.

What do you know about Jesus? The Gospel of John is all about revealing who Jesus is. In this brief passage we learn that Jesus is who Moses and the prophets wrote about, Rabbi, Son of God, the King of Israel. We are now in the season of Epiphany, the time between Christmas and Lent, where the truth about Jesus is revealed to us once again. The story of Nathaniel reminds us that it is ok for us to have our doubts, but that does not mean that Jesus does not know us and love us completely.

As we move towards Jesus to know him, Jesus respond to us like he did Nathaniel. He may compliment us. He may tell us something about ourselves that no one else would know. He might use the words from Psalm 139: 1-4: I have searched you and known you. I know when you sit down and when you rise up; I discern your thoughts from far away.I search out your path and your lying down and am acquainted with all your ways.Even before a word is on your tongue, I know it completely.

Do you feel that sense of love and care?

Nathaniel is not named again until the last chapter of John, when Jesus appears to seven disciples. He is not named in the twelve, though some scholars believe he is, but called Bartholemew. Either way, he was a follower of Jesus.

As followers of Jesus, we too can be amazed by what all God can do. As we spend time reading Scripture, praying, serving God and God’s people, we get to experience God’s abundant love. The more we get to know Jesus, the more we learn about ourselves. It can be difficult and also amazing to think that God knows every little part of us, all our thoughts, even the not-so-nice ones, and still loves us completely. That kind of love is hard to come by in the world, yet God offers it to each of us freely.

God knows you completely, won’t you continue to spend time with God to get to know God even better? Will you be willing to draw near to Jesus and be filled with the loving power? Are you willing to invite others to come and see?

You are known, from the beginning to the end of your life. You are loved and cared for. You are God’s beloved, precious child.

I want to close with a prayer from Pastor Steve Garnaas-Holmes, who writes at unfolding light.net.

God, forgive me for thinking I am a stranger to you.
You have known me from the beginning; you fashioned me.
You see me from the inside; you know me better than I do.
And you love me.
You see my preciousness when I cannot.
You know my goodness even when I betray it.
You know my brokenness and my sin,and you heal and forgive.
You hold me in your delight.
Though my trust is flimsy,
I entrust myself to you and your grace.
May I never be a stranger to your love.

Christmas Spirit

The girls participated in a cute Christmas pageant at church, called “a Mixed-up Christmas pageant.” The premise was what if kids wore Halloween costumes. Mary was Wonder Woman, Joseph was a construction worker, they rode on a dragon instead of a donkey. Herod was Voldemort, Wise men were kings and scientists, and the shepherds and animals all arrived. Angels were dressed as angels, and there was even a star. It was adorable, and a fresh retelling of the beloved story.

First, I love being in a church where the noise and chaos of all ages of children are not only welcomed, but encouraged. Second, I appreciate that my kids as youth still get to participate in events like the pageant. Finally, I am thankful that I was not in charge!

It was nice to be able to laugh and enjoy the story, because the world seems so heavy right now. Bethlehem is in Palestine. True, it is in the West Bank and not Gaza, but it is still Palestine. It puts a new twist to the story when you think of Mary and Joseph, this Jewish couple, traveling to Bethlehem, in Palestinian territory, when the two sides are fighting.

Since the attack by Hamas on Israel on October 7, 2023, so many innocent people, including children, have died. My heart grieves with the mothers on both sides of the conflict. How scary it must be to be in Israel and Gaza right now. How scary it probably also feels in Bethlehem. I have never called myself a pacifist, but I am not sure war is the answer. This land has been fought over countless times. Open the Bible, there it is. As humans, we want land, money, power, and are always “othering” people to justify our actions.

Jesus entered the world during the Roman occupation of Israel. It preceded his birth, and continued after his death. Jewish people were allowed to practice their religion, but Herod was the Roman-appointed King. As the girls’ pageant depicted, he is the villain of the story. Living under occupation is not something most Americans have experienced. We take so many of our freedoms for granted. Now, so much of what is on TV, the radio, or even in print is fearmongering. Sadly, politicians and others keep trying to divide us further with their rhetoric. Consistently, we are being fed messages of exclusion and fear, all from an “Us v. Them” scarcity mentality.

The message Jesus was born to bring is the opposite of that. Jesus is literally Emmanuel, God with us. Jesus came to show us love. He teaches us that we should feed the hungry, clothe the naked, care for the sick, and visit the prisoners in Matthew 25. In Luke 10, in the parable of the Good Samaritan, he teaches that we should show mercy to one another. John 14:15 instructs that if we love Jesus, we will keep his commandments. It is a tall order. None of this is easy. Meeting everyone with eyes of love is not easy, especially when many are cranky from the stress they are under this time of year.

I am thankful that the Jewish couple about to have a baby found shelter in Bethlehem, even if it was in a lowly stable. I am thankful that Jesus’ birth was not what was expected, and that to this day, God reveals Godself in unexpected places. I am thankful that if this Christmas isn’t perfect, or even like the “ones we used to know,” it will still be the day we celebrate the Incarnation of Jesus. I am so grateful that “God so loved the world that he gave” us Jesus (John 3:16). I am grateful to be able to read the stories of Jesus when he walked among us, about how he endured pain and suffering.

This Christmas, I am praying for the people of Israel and Palestine, who are not living in peace. I am grateful for the peace in my heart, that comes from God, even though I am troubled by much of what is happening in our world. I am thankful that God accepts our imperfect selves as offerings of love. I am thankful that in the little town of Bethlehem, we sing that “the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.”

Contentment as a Spiritual Practice

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines being content as “feeling satisfied with one’s possessions, status, or situation.” What if, as my spiritual director suggests, being content is the most faithful way to live?

For over a year, I have practiced being content. In this world of “more,” it is counter-cultural to no longer buy into that way of living. I realize that I am speaking from a place of privilege, where I do not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or how I’ll pay the electric or gas bills, and more than my basic needs are met. I am speaking to those in similar situations. It is a privilege, and another time we can talk about the inequities and injustices that having more than enough can cause. For the purposes of today, I want to focus on the desire to want the next thing, to need more, to have the best/newest/brightest whatever. I want to focus on the mentality of “keeping up with the Joneses” instead of being content.

Christmas is coming, and wish lists are out. Commercials want you to believe that getting a new car or a new diamond ring is what you should want. Retailers fill your inbox with sales and gift ideas. We want to give gifts to each other, to show love and appreciation. For some people, that is very meaningful. For others, it is just stuff. Shopping is a joy to some, and an obligation to others. When gifting becomes an obligation and there is no joy as we see the bank account dwindle, is it even worthwhile? My privileged children do not need another Lego set, yet they each have several on their wish lists. Both had a hard time coming up with anything they wanted this year, which I count as a win. They are spoiled, yes, but somehow maybe I have been able to share this wonder of contentment with them.

Being content is about more than just stuff. It is also about every aspect of your life. I have spent much of my life working for the next achievement, or as a pastor, working towards the next Sunday. I found it more and more difficult to be present as my mind was always focused on the future. One day I realized that I had a hard time being, because I was always doing.

These last three years of not working have given me space to reclaim being, and now I have been practicing contentment. Not to brag, but I love my life. I am saying no to things that bring chaos or unhappiness. I spend more time alone. I read, go for walks, and nap. To some, my life might seem boring, but to me, my spiritual life is rich because I am practicing contentment.

The result of contentment is peace. My life is very peaceful. Again, it is a privilege that I can choose to read the news or not (I cannot stomach watching it). Our hearts were not meant to be inundated with the 24 hour news cycle. I feel too much to be able to deal with all the pain all the time. It is a privilege to choose what we let in to our lives. I am very choosy with my time, and as an introvert, I am very content being alone. I am also very aware that my time with my girls at home is ticking away. I want to give them the best of me, which means I do not have much to share with others. After years of giving myself away, this is a shift that brings me peace. I do not resent putting those with whom I live first. For right now, it is a joy and a privilege to be able to do so.

The Apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13, NIV

I think the “secret” Paul refers to is that being content is a practice. It does not always come to us naturally or easily. It can take work to see abundance instead of scarcity. To be able to claim “enough” instead of striving for the next thing. Despite the busyness that is the upcoming holiday season, I wish you peace and contentment. May you look around at least once during this month and realize that you are content with something exactly as it is.

Writetober, Part 2

With everything happening in the world, these #50wordfiction stories have seemed frivolous. I appreciate the #writetober2023 prompts, but this year I had a difficult time staying focused. It was easier for me to write the two version of the same word at one time, rather than on separate days. Sometimes I had to use the dictionary to know different definitions. Thanks to those of you who read.

FOG

The fog hangs heavy over the valley. I curl up in my favorite chair with a cup of tea, a new mystery, and a blanket. Today is a good day to relax. Honestly, I need the respite. My mother is dead. Two months later, and I still can’t believe it.

Brain fog is real. I keep telling my husband this, but he keeps making my loss for words a joke. I am not using it as an excuse; it is really frustrating that my brain doesn’t work like it used to. I feel slow and stupid, and no longer smart.

GRAVE

I know it creeps some people out, but I find walking in the cemetery peaceful. Before I am halfway down the first path, an intense sharp pain stabs my side. I kneel down, breathing through the pain. Then I notice the grave in front of me bears my own name.

“You have made a grave mistake,” Mr. Jeff spits, turning on his heel and stomping away. The townspeople look at one another, hoping his words are not a threat. Doc Martin steps forward. “Tick will follow and make sure he gets gone and doesn’t return. You can all sleep tonight.”

BOW

Mother helps me into my fancy dress. I love the lace trim, but my favorite part is the blue bow. “Don’t get into anything before we leave,” she warns. All I want to do is twirl, and admire myself in the mirror. I am excited to be a flower girl!

Jerry hits the final high note of his performance. He sees the crowd leap to their feet, clapping and cheering. After taking a few bows, Jerry exits the stage. His manager ushers him to his dressing room, where his nurse has his IV waiting for him. One more show completed.

CURIOUS

“You are re curious like a cat,” Mammaw said to Joey. “I can’t predict what you’re going to do next.” Shaking her head, she closed Joey’s bedroom door. He hated disappointing her, but he never knew what was going to get him into trouble, and what would be a great discovery.

Looking out the window, I see two strange cars in the Nelson’s driveway. They almost never have company, and both must have arrived overnight. I will keep monitoring the curious situation; I don’t know if I should walk over and check on them, or if that would be too nosy.

TIME

Celia taps her toe to keep time. Playing in a band is her dream, but she had underestimated how challenging it would be. She does not want to miss her cue, and she especially doesn’t want Brian to yell at her. Focusing on counting, she doesn’t notice Brian watching her.

“What time is the party?” Dad asks, “because I don’t get off work until 5, and I also have to pick up Olivia.” “Oh it doesn’t start until 7, so there’s plenty of time,” I reassure him. I know he doesn’t want me to go to my first boy/girl party.

SKULL

Dave set out the skull by the candy bowl. Most people used fake skulls, and his trick or treaters probably thought this one was too. Little did they know about his collection in the barn. Would he choose a new one tonight? No, too risky; others could know their plans.

“Get it through your thick skull! I am not going to the dance with you. I am never going on a date with you. I don’t even like boys!” Sara screams at Jay. She is tired of him following her around. Being nice has not worked, so maybe meanness will.

NIGHTMARES

“Mama? Can I sleep with you?” my preschool son Tyler asks.

“what’s wrong, sweet boy? Did you have a bad dream?” Tyler nods, as I scoop him up. His nightmares seem to overwhelm him every time he sleeps. Holding him close, I feel his heart thumping out of his chest.

“Navigating rush hour is a nightmare. This is why I never go anywhere,” Susie complains to her husband. “We’ll make it in plenty of time, he reassures her.” Susie doesn’t want to make it at all. She hates dinner parties, especially fancy ones where she has to wear a gown.

ONCE

“I would like for you to think about my feelings for once!” Deirdre slams her bedroom door. What had happened to our sweet girl? She was not even a teenager yet, but we can do nothing right in her eyes. Toddler tantrums were easy in comparison to tween angsty emotions.

“Don’t you think you’ll remember once you are there?” my sister asks. “Like muscle memory, I think it will just come back to you.” I am not so sure. I have not been back to the town where we lived as children in over fifty years. How much had changed?

Writetober 2023, Part 1

This year’s #Writetober2023 #50wordfiction challenge created by @Ro.Robinson.Writes on Instagram is slightly different. There are half as many prompts, and writers are invited to use two different meanings of the word. Below are my first sixteen days.

SWALLOW

“Don’t shoot that swallow!” Granny yells from the porch. “They eat mosquitoes.” Benji lowered his BB gun, annoyed Granny interrupted his clear shot. He saunters behind the barn, away from her view. I carry Rose, the gold and white kitten and follow Benji. He can escape Granny, but not me.

“The Board fired our CEO and slashed budgets. We’re going to be eliminating some positions,” my boss announces in staff meeting. “I know this is a tough pill to swallow, but we will have performance reviews and…” I panic. As the newest hire, I am sure to be let go.

WOUND

Nicole wound up the music box for what felt like the millionth time. “Rina!” her toddler shouted as she mimicked the ballerina’s twirls. Thinking of her friends, she wondered what adventures they were having. Nicole loved being a mom, but she missed adult interactions. She sighed, “Again?”

Looking at Lisa, you would never guess her story. Nothing about her stands out: mousy-brown hair, brown eyes, average height and build. Her smile is infectious, and her eyes sparkle. The physical wounds healed, but not the emotional ones. You will never get close enough to know her pain.

FLIES

The ruby-throated hummingbird hovers at the honeysuckle. Before I can take a picture, she flies away. Disappointed, I wait, hoping she will return. Minutes later, I marvel at how tiny she is as she takes another drink. I stay as still as possible so as not to scare her.

Pearl and Bessie swish their tails at the flies as they chew their cud. “Can you see Daisy?” Pearl asks. “No, but there is Farmer. I bet she is coming to check if there’s a new calf yet.” The cows follow Farmer to check on Daisy.

CRAFT

Some called her a witch, or its rhyme, because she used her craft and cunning to manipulate. In fact, she was simply a narcissist who emjoyed toying with others to get her way. She wasn’t trying to be mean, exactly, just found it amusing to try to control others.

“You’ve really honed your craft,” Alexa says, admiring Jude’s work. “The detailing is remarkable.”

“Thanks,” Jude answers clearly uncomfortable with her attention. He had known Alexa since high school, when she didn’t even know he existed. Now she attends every arts fair. Jude doesn’t know what to make of it.

BREATH

Derek took a deep breath and counted to ten, releasing his fists. It was getting easier to manage his anger. It would be easier still if he weren’t surrounded by morons. He smiled, trying not to let his feelings into his voice. “Would you please check again?” “Ill call my manager.”

“You are a breath of fresh air,” my boss tells me. “We are creating a new position, and we think you’re the right person for the job.”

Flattered, I smile, but I know I need to ask a lot of questions before I commit. “Thank you. What kind of position?”

LIES

“I am so sick of your lies!” Belinda slams the door, angrily wiping away tears as she jumps on her bike. Why had she believed that Betsy would really take her? Of course she didn’t want her kid sister tagging along. Belinda pedaled harder, letting disappointment leave through her feet.

“Here lies Gwen. She died from ironing,” Gwen scoffs to her husband. “Haha. Here lies Roy, he died from laughing.” He gives her a quick peck on the cheek and heads out to the garage to tinker. Neither had imagined marriage this way, but it was comfortable and safe.

WHISTLING

The whistling tea kettle wakes me up. I always sleep best at Grandma’s farm. This visit is different; I have come to lick my wounds and recuperate. Grandma’s has always been an escape from the real world, which I need now more than ever. This last year has been hell.

I heard his whistling first. I noticed it without realizing its meaning. Then my brain registered he had returned. I looked outside, and saw up coming up the driveway. I ran and threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly. My son was finally home: alive, safe, and finally home.

TEMPLE

Greg takes off his glasses and rubs his temples. This article is getting nowhere. The more he tries to edit, the worse it becomes. It will never be ready on time. Sighing, he decides to take a break and get a snack. Procrastination is a skill he has fully developed.

“My apartment complex is just past the Hindu Temple, on the right,” Kenzie explains to her coworker Jill.

“Wait, what? There is a Hindu temple here? Have you ever been?”

“No,” admits Kenzie, “I don’t know enough about it to even know how to visit.”

“Let’s go sometime!”

Jonah

I had the opportunity to preach for a dear colleague in July at First United Methodist Church, The Coppertop, in Duluth, MN. This church has spent the summer focusing on “spiritual mentors” in the Bible. Immediately, I thought of Jonah. I love this short book (only 4 chapters!) in the Old Testament. There is much more to the story than the children’s picture books give it credit. If you’d like to watch the sermon, you can do that here. The sermon starts just after minute 36, but there is great music and a baptism before.

More Poetry

Though I am no longer writing a poem a day, now that Lent is over, I am still writing them at least weekly. I have been reading a lot of poetry, too. Some of the poets I have recently discovered are Amanda Lovelace, Melody Godfred, Tania Runyan, Caroline Kaufman, and Lightsey Darst. I find poetry inspiring, and beautiful, and an important part of my spirituality.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Peace be with you,”

Jesus says, when

He appears to his disciples

after the Resurrection.

Different than the angels’

“do not fear,”

yet the same message.

Jesus also says more

in that simple phrase.

It is a blessing,

a hope as he sends them

to continue the ministry

of love, forgiveness, and acceptance

in a world with little peace.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hopeful buds pop,

feeling the sun’s warmth.

Don’t! I tell them;

I want to protect them

from the returning chill.

Don’t be so fast! Wait!

I need to listen

to my own advice.

Impatient,

I want to propel forward,

in my time and my way.

Don’t be so fast! Wait!

++++++++++++++++++

CATERPILLAR

A caterpillar

becoming a

Beautiful butterfly

means it has

to stop being

a caterpillar.

It gives up

all it knows,

the way it lives,

without knowing

what it will be like

to transform.

Does the chrysalis

feel like death?

Does the fat

stored make it

feel so very

tired?

Does it know it will be

Reborn in beauty?

Or is it just so

tired it needs

to create a cocoon in which

to hide and rest?

What happens inside the chrysalis?

Is the caterpillar

aware or

blissfully asleep?

What must it feel like before it emerges?

Discomfort?

Like it has outgrown

its pod?

Does it desire

to break out

or is it afraid?

Is shedding the cocoon painful?

I have given

up my old ways

built a safe cocoon

for transformation.

How long do I need

to stay in this phase?

How do I know when

and how to emerge?

What will I be?

So far the growth process has been

painful, helpful,

enlightening,

scary.

Possibility also brings anxiety.

Have I let go of

all I must?

Am I ready to

embrace the

new?

Transformation

is a process.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I AM READY FOR SPRING

I am ready for spring

but winter hangs on.

The trees are budding

but the north wind howls.

I am ready for spring,

but winter hangs on.

I am ready to see

the new emerge.

I am anxious to find

out what is next.

But that shoot is not ready to break

through the cold, hard ground.

I think I am ready for spring

but I still need winter’s hidden growth.

In winter, trees look

bare and dead, but

so much is happening

to prepare for spring.

I am ready for Spring

but winter hangs on.

++++++++++++++++++

INDECISION

Back and forth

Forth and back

Should I?

Shouldn’t I?

If I do A…

If I do B…

What do I want?

I can’t make

everyone happy

so I should

do what I want.

Back and forth

Forth and back

Indecision

is exhausting.

++++++++++++++++++

KITES

The wind lifts the kite

and it soars in the blue sky

while being tethered

to the ground.

I want to soar,

but I also need

to feel grounded.

Too much freedom

is scary.

Knowing I have

a place to return

is reassuring.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

To my body:

To love and cherish

To have and to hold

In sickness and in health

I will take care of you.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Bumblebees buzz

From flower to flower

Gathering nectar nourishment

Pollinating plants.

Poetry

This year my daily Lenten discipline was writing a poem. Some days they came easily. Other times, I struggled. I tried to be open to the Spirit, rather than forcing a topic.

In college, I minored in English, and most of my classes were in creative writing. I wrote a lot of poetry and short stories. Since then, I have neglected writing both. I am still editing, but I thought I would share a few of them with you.

I hope you had a Happy Easter! And I hope the joy of Easter remains in your hearts.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Blizzard

Gray to the right

Snow swirls spins around

Dances piles on piles

To the left drifts on drifts

To the right then

Spins around it stops.

Lands Clouds roll on.

Wind gusts Sun shines

Snow blows Snow glitters

Dances

To the left

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You like my false self

The mask of sanity,

perfection, professionalism;

the idealized self

I want to be but am not.

I am a blob of anxiety,

Self- doubt and self-hatred,

Pile of broken shards,

Bits of me fragmented

by pain of pretending.

When I show you me –

the real mess –

You recoil;

refuse to believe,

accept.

You insist on

speaking to the false self,

as if

the curtain hadn’t

opened.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Inner Critic

She is cruel, vigilant,

careful, ready,

fearful, frightened,

Protective, controlling.

She will hurt me

before you ever could.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What are you afraid of?

What is deep down within

That you don’t want to face?

What is right in front of you

That you ignore?

What are you afraid of?

What truth longs to be set free?

What chain needs unlocked?

What are you afraid of?

The you inside that is

Choking, desperate for air

Can you let that you

Come to the surface and breathe?

What are you afraid of?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My relationship

With church

Complicated.

Worship fills my soul;

People hurt my spirit.

I miss it,

I don’t miss it.

It is where

I feel most

loved, judged

misunderstood

unsupported.

Luckily,

My relationship

With God

separate.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Do you want to know a secret?

I have lots of thoughts and feelings

that I don’t share.

My interior life is full, but,

I’m too busy taking care of you.

Few notice that I have lots to say

that I keep inside.

Listening is my greatest skill

but sometimes I forget to speak.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anxiety is energy

Restless, spinning

I feel like I could

Run a marathon

If I weren’t stuck.

Depression is exhaustion

body feels heavy

even lifting a finger

requires too much energy

so I don’t.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sometimes I forget

To breathe.

I don’t notice that I’m

Holding my breath

Depriving my body

Of fresh air

That’s necessary, not optional.

Other times I take

Long, deep breaths

Diaphragmatic

And calm myself

Shallow, deep

Air is required.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jesus says

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.”

But my heart is troubled.

Was there another meaning

In Aramaic

That we lost?

Because it seems like often

Jesus wants to trouble our hearts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am learning

Who I am

What I like

What I can’t stand.

I am learning

To say no

Check in with my body

And pause and go slow.

I am learning

That these shifts

Make me different

And they are gifts.

I am learning

I don’t have to be

What you want

Instead of me.

I am learning

To be still and rest

Instead of so busy

That I can’t be my best.

I am learning

To love me too

It Is hard work

So much b.s. to undo.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Performing for fun

joy-filled

Energizing

Performing for life

Fear-filled

Controlling

Both are roles, but one you take off.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Too much adulting

Symptoms:

Irritability

Headache

Fatigue

Anxiety

Depression

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life After Cancer

Every twinge, ache

pain, symptom

makes me wonder

is it back?

Same or different?

Appointments, tests,

Nothing.

Relief.

Until next time,

Rinse and repeat

Suspicions.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I want to be profound

State a truth

In a way that you feel it.

But today I feel shallow.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Holy Week

Palms and parades

Holy Week begins

On a high note –

Hosanna in the Highest!

Blessed is the One

Who comes in the name of the Lord!

As the week progresses,

Mood shifts

Disloyalty, disobedience, denials.

Pain, torture, humiliation

Strength, bravery, endurance.

Some skip from the palms to the lilies.

They are missing out.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Haiku for Holy Saturday

Holy Saturday

Take a moment to just be.

Sorrow and Stillness.

Prince Harry

I wrote a piece for Luther Seminary ‘s Enter the Bible blog about Prince Harry and his courage, using Hebrews 10.

The Courage to Leave Toxic Situations

2022 in Books

Inspired by my high school friend, I decided to look at the books I read this year, and thought I would share some highlights. I highly recommend her blog too, but here is her post about her books https://dontstopbelieving.me/my-year-in-books-2022/. She shares recommendations on books, beauty, and a host of Memphis pride. I have added some of her books to my reading list for 2023.

According to my Goodreads, I read 44 books this year. That is more than last year, and I definitely listened to some of them. I will put the “must reads” at the top and the ones I didn’t love as much at the bottom of each category. I’ll share a tiny bit about each, and I will let you know if I listened to them instead of reading.

Fiction:

Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Best book I read this year, hands down. I am still thinking about it, months later, and want to reread it.

The Arc of a Scythe series by Neil Shusterman. I listened to The Scythe, The Thunderhead, and The Toll, read by Greg Tremblay. I have just downloaded Gleanings on Audible. Science fiction isn’t always my jam, but these young adult novels take place in the future, where humans no longer die of natural causes. Instead, scythes must end lives. We learn how scythes are chosen and taught. Fascinating ethical questions are raised by this series.

I listened to several books by Elizabeth Strout: Olive Again, My Name is Lucy Barton, Anything is Possible, and Oh William! The last 3 are in the same series. All of them are narrated by Kimberly Farr, and I enjoyed her voice.

I have been a fan of PJ Tracy’s Monkeewrench series, and I read Ice Cold Heart, the 10th in the series. They are a mother-daughter duo, but now the mother has passed away. I also read Return of the Magi. This was a short book -only 170 pages. I was intrigued by this short novel of a different genre. It was a great December read.

The Wings of Fire series by Tui T. Sutherland. My youngest daughter got me addicted to these middle grade fantasy books. I have finished the entire series now, and they were fun and a hit among her friends. I know boys and girls who have enjoyed this series!

The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie. This is the first of her Hercule Poirot novels, and also her first published novel. I felt that I had been missing out by never reading her. It was a quick read, and fun.

The Hypnotist’s Love Story and What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarity. I will read anything she writes!

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. Eleanor is eccentric, but it is a beautiful story about the need for human connection.

Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner. Fun summer chick lit. I like Weiner and have read several of her books.

The Excellent Lombards by Jane Hamilton Told from a child’s perspective, the story of an apple orchard, family dynamics, and changes that they endure together.

The Supermodel’s Best Friend by Gretchen Galway. Fun chick lit, took no brain power, predictable, but sometimes that is a nice escape.

All Things Bright and Beautiful by Amber Belldene. This is the 2nd in the Reverend Alma Lee mysteries. I enjoy reading about a clergywoman written by a clergywoman.

Angry Housewives Eating BonBons by Lorna Landvik. Landvik is a Minnesota author whose books I have enjoyed. This one is about a group of housewives who are neighbors. It chronicles their friendship over time, beginning in the 1950s. Their book club picks are listed at the beginning of the chapter. I enjoyed a historical look at life in Minneapolis.

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski. This book had been on my “to read” list for awhile. Though it is long, and a lot about training dogs, it kept me interested. I did enjoy the fact that it took place in northwest WI.

Virgil Wander by Leif Enger. Leif is a Minnesota author. I didn’t love this book as much as Peace Like a River, but it had interesting characters.

Burying the Lede by Joseph LeValley. I read this because the author’s daughter is co-host of one my favorite podcasts, Dieowa. This mystery also takes place in Iowa, and is the first in the series about journalist Tony Harrington. I will definitely read more.

Louder than Words by Kathy Kacer. This is another middle grade story about a Jewish family in a small Ukrainian town during WWII. I felt that if my young reader was going to read about a challenging topic, I should read it, in case she wanted to discuss it. This is the 3rd in a series, which we didn’t realize.

NonFiction:

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab I commend this book to you! And if you are on Instagram, I recommend you follow her. Her no nonsense plain explanations make boundaries feel doable. She has a new book, Drama Free, that is on my list.

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer. I listened to this, and it was beautiful. She uses her training as a botanist with her indigenous learning. It made me think about plants differently.

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron. My therapist had me read this book, and I was not surprised to learn that some of my quirks come from being a HSP. A friend loaned me the one about children, but I am still in chapter one. You can see if this book applies to you at http://hsperson.com. After that, I read The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Widsom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Radiant Authentic Self by Benita A Esposito. It was interesting to hear her story, but it was more memoir than self-help.

The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self and Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live by Martha Beck. Both of these books had exercises that I found helpful as I try to discern what is next for me.

Discovering the Inner Mother by Bethany Webster. I also follow her on IG. I liked how she discusses mothering ourselves not only personally, but also some of the cultural implications of the patriarchy that cause a mother wound. This is a book about claiming self-love rather than blaming. “Revealing how women are affected by the Mother Wound, even if they don’t personally identify as survivors, Discovering the Inner Mother revolutionizes how we view mother-daughter relationships and gives us the inspiration and guidance we need to improve our lives and ultimately create a more equitable society for all.”

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie. I knew I needed to revisit codependency, but I didn’t want to read Codependent No More for like the tenth time. I appreciated how she shares some of her personal story in this book, the stories of others, assessments, and the analysis of certain codependent behaviors.

Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor. The author narrates this book, and I have listened to several of the parts multiple times. My primary care physician pointed out to me that I hold my breath often, unconsciously. This was a fascinating study in breath, and how essential breath work is.

The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. One of my friends recommended Pema Chodron, and then we both ended up reading this book at the same time. Helpful. Pema is an American Buddhist nun.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. This is an involved study of how one woman’s cells changed our medical history. Sadly, it is also about her family and how little they knew of what was happening.

H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald. Clearly I did not read the description before buying, because I thought it was fiction. I did not love all the description of falconry, but the story of grief came at a good time for me.

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson. This is one I listened to, and it is read by the author. I thought the beginning was funny, but then it kind of got annoying.

Thanks for reading! What books do you recommend I add to my list for 2023?